Letter From College Admissions Board

Johnny Q. Citizen
Graduate of Lee County School System

 

Dear Johnny,

The Admissions Board at UNC-SchoolofChoice has carefully reviewed your application for enrollment.  We regret to inform you that, while your academic file was quite impressive and ranks you among the finest of our Lee County applicants, your college aptitude scores reflect a lack of preparation for the rigors of our esteemed state university. 

Listed below is some candid feedback about the materials you submitted in support of your admissions request:

1.  Our admissions panel was very impressed with your ability to speak five different languages at the first grade level by immersing yourself in Rosetta Stone, but your aptitude in english reading and writing tested at the 9th grade level and requires substantial remediation before you would be eligible for an accredited college course.  English should not be your second language.

2.  Your experience with the HP Netbook and all the free social media and shareware you’ve downloaded during school hours is commendable, but has little relevance to our entry level requirements for you to have skills with essential word processing, spreadsheet, and presentation software applications.  We would suggest you invest a couple hundred dollars in a low-end laptop with MS Office and use it daily so you are prepared for college level coursework requiring those skills.  

3.  We appreciate your mastery of QWERTY keyboarding and hip acronyms (OMG, LMFAO), but your fundamental spelling and vocabulary skills, reflected in your SAT verbal testing, are substantially below norms.  May we suggest you read a few books and invest in some self-help educational software to bring you up to the twelfth grade level in those disciplines.

4.  Our admissions board was duly impressed with all the taxpayer subsidized middle school and high school extracurricular sports and activites you participated in.  Those six school plays and the three sports you lettered in show you to have stage skills, stamina and good physical conditioning.  No doubt, you will be a superb candidate for the Temple Theater troupe in Sanford where you can act part-time after your job on the first shift at Coty lets out.  We recommend you be careful not to let the acting activities interfere with your night-time community college preparatory courses, though.

5.  And finally, we had some difficulty understanding why your high GPA and end of grade performance results didn’t correlate with the low SAT and ACT test scores you received all three times you took the exams.  We can only surmise that the diverse curriculum you received in the Lee County school system, the foreign language and laptop distractions you had to endure, and the many extracurricular activities you indulged in reduced your  available time for academic studies and left you with skills deficiencies that must be corrected prior to gaining admission in our college.

We encourage you to complete two years of remedial coursework at your local community college and then re-apply with us  for accession as an underclassman. Hang in there and here’s hoping you’ll be ready to join us at UNC-SchoolofChoice in a couple of years.  We’re pulling for you!

Best Wishes,

Kippin Itreal 
Registrar, UNC- SchoolofChoice
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About Thomas Jefferson

3rd President and Founding Father of the U.S. I conceived and promoted the country's system of public education in the early 19th Century. I am often misunderstood about my the "wall of separation" term and letter to the Danbury Baptist Association, which unfortunately has come to be interpreted as my suggesting separation of God and the Holy Trinity from all matters of state. I am a Christian, saved by the blood of Jesus Christ and I owe Him my salvation. I pray for this great country, that it remain strong, independent and Christian!
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2 Responses to Letter From College Admissions Board

  1. Pingback: Letter From College Admissions Board | Lee County's Top Political Blog -Political Fund USA

  2. Goose says:

    English as a second language Maybe UNC is different but many degrees and honors are won by ESL Students, it seems that Asian languages where education is still held in high value take many of the high spots.
    What is your hang up with Microsoft software? True its use is widespread but it is not the only software, SAS from right here in NC will beat it in most applications.
    Extracurricular activities are important and are often used as a tiebreaker, the liberal establishment in the university are not nerd or grind friendly since many grow up to be Conservatives, besides where would they get the ‘jocks’ they need to beat Duke? Honk? Finally I would expect any one at UNC anywhere would know all about GPA and EOG scores from NC schools VS SAT and ACT scores.

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